by That Car Guy (Chuck)
More magnificent than a mountain. Better built than a bikini model. Farther fleeting than the finest filly. The BES"T", yet least-appreciated American car of all time is, without question, the "T" Body Car.
In 1974, the then-largest automotive manufacturer in the world shopped its planetary fleet to find the origin for this piece of automotive wizardry. From its cradle, the "T" Car glamourizes the globe with unbelievable style, handling of such value it has never been matched or challenged, and performance light years beyond anything even to approach this lofty class. After groundbreaking research and development by other brands such as Isuzu, Holden, and Opel, and Vauxhall, earthly bonds were broken to bring this wonder to America. The finest stylists in the world were commissioned to fashion its timeless sculpture in sheet metal. Having been called "The Perfect Car for an Imperfect World", our presentation of mobility magnificence reaches beyond mortal man to achieve a complete circumnavigational conveyance that few people will ever have the means or wherewithall affording an opportunity to experience or preserve.
Inside this titanic treasure is an interior crafted by and for the ages. Extinct species gave their best for the luxurious dash, door, headliner, and seating materials. Hand assembled from ferrous forms, the doors are strong enough to outlast any other vehicles' upholstery that even begin to call themselves the competition. All necessary driver information is prominently displayed ahead of the driver (Or chauffeur in most cases) and the steering wheel is set at the most prominent and correct position that mankind can offer. Any legally-decreed controls are not only within easy driver's reach, but have the finest grammatically correct inscriptions to please any ivy league profuser of The King's English. To allow the maximum comfort for the head of state or captain of industry who wishes not to command the vehicle on that particular day,all forward seating devices may be adjusted away from their presence.
Should the driven wish to access their compartment without the disturbance and self degradation of entering the forward servants' chamber, two additional portals are available, one on each side of the motorcar. We provide them for easy egress from the vehicle whenever arriving at Buckingham Palace, The White House, or your weekly table of bacarat. Despite whichever side of the road the common people drive on, you will arrive at your destination with the ability to exit your carriage in the most proper fashion. Usually operated by your manservant from the outside for your convenience, these pathways to your presentation can also be activated with the standard interior controls if that is the custom of the land. An exterior latch disabling device is within easy reach should the fans wish a piece of your jacket or your autograph after a busy day at the recording centre..
For those of us with a more sporting side, the "T" is available, after a reasonable waiting period for your custom coach to be crafted, as a coupee with uninhibited pedigree. Intended to be seen in while hunting with the hounds, soaking up the Steeplechase, or just running to the stable, your "T"offers a stance and level of performance normally not seen this side of LeMans. Its aggressiveness belies the others while not having to move an inch. Horsepower and other such Plebian definitions is not necessary in its operation. These amazing machines can travel many portals of petrol before requesting the slightest suggestion of maintenance. However, should you ever request assistance beyond that of the local garage variety, a fleet of corporate jets stands at your ready to ferry any technical assistance to your motorcarriage's side. You will be provided immediate transport to your intended meet with impunity, surrounded in the proper accustoms of your status.
If you have made it this far... "Happy April Fool's Day!"
--That Car Guy (Chuck)